it’s nice to feel like god so early in the morning

January 22, 2009




My dear readers, your esteemed author has been deemed ethically unfit to work for the Rite Aid corporation. It pains me to say it, yet it is true. I have spent the last eight years of my life working for specialized (by which I mean snobby) healthcare organizations in the Portland area and have, ever since my fledgling days as a pharmacy counter clerk, considered myself far too rockfabulous to work for a miserable corporate syndicate like Rite Aid. However, due to the stupid fucking economy, I know, we are all so tired of hearing about it and so I will with extreme effort and all my considerable super powers refrain from going off on this separate and steamy rant, I have recently begun to apply for all sorts of jobs which, not six months ago, I would have shuddered in distaste at the thought of. Rite Aid is one of those, and I marched myself bravely into the nearest establishment on Monday with my hair nicely spritzed and my sense of humor under severe atmospheric pressure but holding at seventy two percent. I walked to the back of the store to the pharmacy and stood for at least a full minute at the consultation window before any notice was taken of me; although really, everyone noticed me the moment I walked up. This was a bad sign, but sense of humor held at sixty nine percent and I assured myself that I could go ahead and be the change I wanted, I could bring excellent customer service to this feebly staffed pharmacy workplace. Eventually an apathetic tech in powder blue lab coat wandered over and I asked if they were hiring pharmacy techs. He walked away and consulted in what sounded like Spanglish with the apathetic white coated pharmacist sitting three feet away counting pills. Neither of them even looked at me during this deliberation, and sense of humor sustained severe damage to lateral thrusters but held at fifty two percent. Fifty two percent was manageable, it wasn’t even in the fifty fifty waffling range yet. Eventually the mumbled deliberation ended and the tech wandered back to me. ‘We’re not hiring,’ he said.

‘Oh,’ I said, ‘may I have an application anyway?’

He wandered back over to the pharmacist and more muffled conversation ensued; ended, and he wandered back and told me, ‘front of the store has them, ok?’

‘Thanks!’ I said brightly, and walked up to the front of the store to stand in line and wait for an application, even though sense of humor was now well below the fiftieth percentile and I was far more inclined to run away and never come back, except maybe sometimes for hair dye or cat litter. I stood in line and it lasted a very long time and I spent that time thinking about how I could improve upon everything I was seeing, except the very sweet attitude of the one harassed counter clerk. He got me an application and directions for a phone survey thingy and sent me on my way in a much better frame of mind. That guy, at least, I could work with. He even said ‘have a nice day’ as I left. So, anyhow, there is apparently a phone survey thingy you have to take before you can even turn in an application for employment at Rite Aid, so today I called and punched in all my contact info and then the survey started. It became immediately apparent that this survey was of an ethical nature after the first three questions, which were all about my positions on stealing from the company, (which, what? Who in their right mind is going to say ‘oh, yeah, I totally support stealing from the company’ while filling out an application for said company? Love a duck.)and all the subsequent questions followed the same line ofinterrogation. I believe that the rock I dashed my ship upon was the question ‘if you, as a store manager, caught an employee stealing for the first time something valued at five dollars or less, would you fire them?’ Naturally, because I am a compassionate, reasonable and not batshit insane person who believes that everyone deserves a second chance and five dollars, what is that nowadays, a candy bar? I pressed number 3 for no. Instantly the smug electronic fascist bourgeoisie female voice told me, ‘I’m sorry, you have failed to meet Rite Aid’s employment qualifications. Goodbye.’ I sat there looking at my phone in complete and utter surprise because really? I just failed the RITE AID ETHICS TEST? Christ on a stick. I almost don’t know what to do with myself here, except maybe dance a bit on top of my computer chair because the universe clearly dislikes the idea of my working for Rite Aid as much as I do. I am more or less confounded in all my systems, but fortunately, sense of humor has been repaired and is functioning once more at one hundred percent. Five dollars, forsooth.

With regard to subjects that do not make me spit indignation all down the front of myself before subsiding into a low, pained chuckle, Obama ordered the close of Guantanamo Bay today (which is extraordinarily badass and morally upright of him, in my opinion, although I bet Rite Aid wouldn’t hire him either) and I continue to have bananas whenever I want them.


3 Responses to “it’s nice to feel like god so early in the morning”

  1. Alain B Says:

    I have four things to say:

    1) Though I am saddened that RiteAid did not hire you, look on the brightside – you don’t have to worry about weirdos coming in the middle of the night trying to bribe/threaten you for vicodin. Instead you get to deliver a humorous tale.

    2) Obama would most definitely fail the telephone test but he’d probably be hired after giving a perfunctory oratorical pick-me-up on pharmacy tellers. He’s damn good.

    3) Gitmo closed. I believe my donation money has been well spent.

    4) RiteAid is right. You’re probably morally unfit if you are applying to RiteAid. I will relent in that it is an act of desperation. Times are tough.


  2. Tom Says:

    Oh my god, they normally put those questions in there to see if you are a human being. If you would put a co-worker out in the street over $5, imagine how you would treat a customer… With nearly 7 years of college under my belt and just about two degrees I find myself grovelling to high school drop outs for part time jobs so they can treat me like their bitch.

    Who do you have to sleep with to get a job pushing carts around here?!


  3. coffee Says:

    Obama is smart on so many levels for ordering the closure of Guantanamo. It has been a long time coming


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