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a hobo with a cigarette in his mouth,  que sura,  phix hair salon se powell portland,  if you haven’t your health,  bleached hair gone bad


oct 2009 thrill the world zombiesTab and Alain zombies.

oct2009 thrill the world holly zombieHolly zombie.

I am sitting on my ass drinking coffee, and this is not what I should be doing. I should be sitting on my ass cleaning the litter box, and then there should be no more about my ass for a long, lonely time as I wash the dishes and clean the kitchen. However, I have realized that all I want to do is sit on my ass drinking coffee, and every so often the needs of the lazy outweigh the needs of the neat freak. Furthermore, I spent at least three hours yesterday learning the thriller dance, and I’m not going to say that every part of my body aches with an unchained vengeance, but I will say that every part of my body except my teeth aches with an unchained vengeance. That thriller dance is active. And it goes on for six minutes. And it takes a long time to learn all the moves. And it takes even longer to learn how to do them anywhere that could be considered to loosely approximate as fast as you need to in order to keep up with the music. Yesterday I sweated more than I have since I was in Hawaii, and the Hawaii sweat was not the sweat of aerobic overload. Hawaii sweat was nice lazy sweat. I sat on my ass a lot there, too. Geez, even my ass hurts. Apparently there are muscles there. Live and learn.

Anyhow, the thriller dance has pretty much consumed my brain, which I find very appropriate because it is after all about zombies and zombies after all are all about brain consumption. Last night Holly and I went out to Boiler Room and we got there and almost no one was there and the song list was like six songs long and we squealed with greedy joy. And put lots of songs in. The entire time we were there I gave into the urge to do thriller moves to other songs; I believe we danced however much of the whole dance we could fit in to the song ‘Bitch’ by Alanis Morrisette. I think I do not know how to spell Alanis Morrisette correctly. Oh well. The thriller dance is a good one to dance to ‘Bitch.’ Zombie bitch. So much more meaningful.

On the way home we ran into some bucket drummers and we asked them if they could play Thriller. They couldn’t, but we tipped them anyway and did the dance on the sidewalk to whatever it was they were playing. We got ourselves a small audience and I felt very cool. Turns out we did this in high heels, what do you know about that with the dressing up and then getting drunk and all, and now my feet are crying. I am a bad foot owner. 

If you want to see me and Holly and Alain and approximately 999 other people dance the thriller dance all at the same time today, come to Pioneer Courthouse Square at 5:30pm. It will be amazing. AMAZING.

Sweater pipe monkey: go. I await your opinions with a curiosity nearing feverish. What the holy hell was this person looking for? (you may however keep to yourself your opinions as to why my website thought it could help them out).

In other news, if you want to join everyone else who matters in a worldwide thriller dance at midnight on October 24th, which is this Saturday, you totally should. I think this is probably the year to start anyhow, what with MJ passing on and so many people feeling the need for a personal tribute of some sort. Join the big ass planet wide tribute. It will be a lot of fun and I assume it will also be very emotional and epic. If you live in the Portland area and want to learn the thriller dance with me on Friday, go here: directions to the space and event hours. Will be fabulous. If you want to join from some other corner of the room, go here: Thrill The World’s website. Let Darkness fall across the land…

cracked mirror on sidewalk…or seven years of bad luck shall befall you. Guilty by eyeball association. I never said I was above extortion.

that’s real swell.

October 20, 2009

goshI just signed up for this cool little thing that makes twitter tell everyone when I write a new blog. I feel so technologically advanced. Also, it has just occurred to me that nobody ever finds my blog by googling zombies. This is unfair, as I have great zombie stories, generally stemming from great zombie dreams. Get with it, people. Find me for the right reasons.

Today my top searches were ‘quantum foam’ and ‘five word exclamation point about cat bursting balloon.’ I bet both those searchers were pretty disappointed. We do have some quantum foam around here somewhere but it’s grossly misunderstood and vastly underappreciated, so we turned it into horns for our halloween costume. There was also a lot of cat bursting balloons going on over here a while ago but that was directly following Jason’s birthday party and it’s been months since there was a balloon left to put up a fight. It was like the great jedi purge, but bloodier. With less survivors. 

I will now take a moment to address the probably very nice and understandably very desperate persons who continue to stumble their frantic way across this blog every single day of the week by typing some variation of ‘bleached hair falling out omg’ into their search engines:

I am very sorry. I feel your pain, I do. Since I am a large fan of hitting as many multiple birds as possible with one stone, the smaller the stone the better because I am lazy and throwing large things is hard, I will start with the possibly local victims of overprocessed hair that is deserting their heads like rats deserting a sinking ship. I had a marvelous cut and color at Phix salon, SE 58th and Powell, given to me by a very cool lady named Kari. I was actually there to hair model for her, and I will put up pictures of my super rad asymmetrical hair cut as soon as my damn camera can be found. (where are you, damn camera? I thought I put you down by the quantum foam). Anyhow, I still did not have much of a head of hair to present, what with the recent exodus of most of my own hair, and Kari still managed somehow to make my head look absolutely fabulous. She also told me about one time when her own hair died a peroxide death and she managed to salvage all of it (impossible or witch craft, in my book) with daily treatments. So if you’re in the Portland area and you bleached your hair too much and it is falling out omg, go see Kari. She can maybe save it for you, and if not she can give you a very inventive and pretty short haircut. If your hair is not falling out because you over bleached it, or for any other reason, you should still go have Kari cut your hair. She only charges $22.00 a haircut right now and that is cheaper than Bishops and you will not have a mullet after. Not that I personally have all that much against a reasonably small amount of mullet, but I hear a lot of the rest of you bitch about it pretty much without stopping. Kari is the solution to all your hair problems; she is also very nice and funny and cute. I would also like to point out that I am very helpful. You are welcome.

For all those of you who for some strange reason live elsewhere, (unless you live in Hawaii, I completely understand why you live in Hawaii), I really am sorry that your hair is falling out. But hey! It happened to me and I just shaved my head and it was one of the best experiences ever! Of course you get a lot of people calling you Sinead, and more recently Britney, but these are not the people who count on any sort of Richter scale and they are probably just jealous because their head is secretly bumpy under all that hair. Having a shaved head can be awesome. Alternatively, you could have some fun with wigs for awhile. I see some pretty rad ones around for halloween. Just saying.

1 gallon pancakeThat is a lot of pancake, but really? 48.00? That is kind of a lot for pancake.

poi at mall2 hawaii 09There is no food in this house. And I miss Hawaii.

prisoner hydrant f6l9 hawaii 09Prisoner F6L9.

two leaves pretending to be a snailTwo leaves pretending to be a snail.

blat says the orange frog

October 15, 2009

Today my top searches are ‘stacked mamas,’ which I might understand were it not plural, as I like to think I am stacked a half bit better than mother Hubbard’s cupboard albeit currently without child(s), but the second, ‘honey colored teddy bear hamster?’ I do not understand. However, I am glad to see that the wonderings luring people into my succulent portion of the interweb are no longer mere cries of ‘my hair is falling out!’ Although ever since my hair did fall out, ‘my hair is falling out!’ has been in my top searches every time I’ve looked. Are we all tired of hearing about my top searches? Good. Because I am certainly not. They crack me up every single time, and then I make up small stories in my head to go with them. I am still kind of dissatisfied with anything I’ve come up with for ‘snake tunnel jacket,’ so if anyone else wants to take a stab at it, be my guest. My imagination could use a little snake tunnel break.

I watched a movie called Fanboys last night, which probably everyone has already heard about, and I thought it was awesome. I would kind of maybe kill for that van, although probably not because killing is not in my nature. I am a tremble with fear and loathing while carrying the spider outside on a piece of cardboard type. But oh man, let me just say, it has an R2-D2 and a hyperdrive. High per drive. WANT. Also I thought it was very funny and I knew the answer to every ‘are you a real star wars nerd or just a poser?’ quiz question in the whole movie except for why Leia walks through the Ewok forest instead of just taking one of the speeders she just knocked a stormtrooper off of. However, Return of the Jedi is my least fave of the three (no beatings! It’s all star wars!) and I haven’t seen it in a decent amount of time, as opposed to A New Hope and Empire Strikes Back, which I have seen in the last two months. (So there). Anyhow it is a great movie, I think, and it made me cry. Of course everything from Lady and the Tramp to KILL BILL has made me cry, so think nothing of it. And the ending line is so perfect; I’ve always been a connoisseur of endings, going so far as to read the last page of a book first if I have an inkling it’s going to be an ending I disagree with, and oh. What a hilarious, precisely apt ending. 

Ok, yes I did just rave about Fanboys for a long time. STFU.

I am going to go be a hair model today, which is exciting because it consists of getting a free cut and color and also being completely surprised by what you get. I have the feeling she is thinking asymmetrics. Because she told me so. Woo!

Also youtube Hard Gay. Maybe is not your cup of tea, but HOOOO! I laughed my ass off. And I wish I had a hip radar like that.

Love and happiness, my honey colored teddy bear hamsters.

half plum on the sidewalk