I can categorically say that you are not a bigger banana head.

October 20, 2009

Today my top searches were ‘quantum foam’ and ‘five word exclamation point about cat bursting balloon.’ I bet both those searchers were pretty disappointed. We do have some quantum foam around here somewhere but it’s grossly misunderstood and vastly underappreciated, so we turned it into horns for our halloween costume. There was also a lot of cat bursting balloons going on over here a while ago but that was directly following Jason’s birthday party and it’s been months since there was a balloon left to put up a fight. It was like the great jedi purge, but bloodier. With less survivors. 

I will now take a moment to address the probably very nice and understandably very desperate persons who continue to stumble their frantic way across this blog every single day of the week by typing some variation of ‘bleached hair falling out omg’ into their search engines:

I am very sorry. I feel your pain, I do. Since I am a large fan of hitting as many multiple birds as possible with one stone, the smaller the stone the better because I am lazy and throwing large things is hard, I will start with the possibly local victims of overprocessed hair that is deserting their heads like rats deserting a sinking ship. I had a marvelous cut and color at Phix salon, SE 58th and Powell, given to me by a very cool lady named Kari. I was actually there to hair model for her, and I will put up pictures of my super rad asymmetrical hair cut as soon as my damn camera can be found. (where are you, damn camera? I thought I put you down by the quantum foam). Anyhow, I still did not have much of a head of hair to present, what with the recent exodus of most of my own hair, and Kari still managed somehow to make my head look absolutely fabulous. She also told me about one time when her own hair died a peroxide death and she managed to salvage all of it (impossible or witch craft, in my book) with daily treatments. So if you’re in the Portland area and you bleached your hair too much and it is falling out omg, go see Kari. She can maybe save it for you, and if not she can give you a very inventive and pretty short haircut. If your hair is not falling out because you over bleached it, or for any other reason, you should still go have Kari cut your hair. She only charges $22.00 a haircut right now and that is cheaper than Bishops and you will not have a mullet after. Not that I personally have all that much against a reasonably small amount of mullet, but I hear a lot of the rest of you bitch about it pretty much without stopping. Kari is the solution to all your hair problems; she is also very nice and funny and cute. I would also like to point out that I am very helpful. You are welcome.

For all those of you who for some strange reason live elsewhere, (unless you live in Hawaii, I completely understand why you live in Hawaii), I really am sorry that your hair is falling out. But hey! It happened to me and I just shaved my head and it was one of the best experiences ever! Of course you get a lot of people calling you Sinead, and more recently Britney, but these are not the people who count on any sort of Richter scale and they are probably just jealous because their head is secretly bumpy under all that hair. Having a shaved head can be awesome. Alternatively, you could have some fun with wigs for awhile. I see some pretty rad ones around for halloween. Just saying.

1 gallon pancakeThat is a lot of pancake, but really? 48.00? That is kind of a lot for pancake.

poi at mall2 hawaii 09There is no food in this house. And I miss Hawaii.

prisoner hydrant f6l9 hawaii 09Prisoner F6L9.

two leaves pretending to be a snailTwo leaves pretending to be a snail.


One Response to “I can categorically say that you are not a bigger banana head.”

  1. Lazarus Kauffman Says:

    Very entertaining captions. I particularly enjoyed the one about the snail. I never would have seen that. Brilliant.


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