curiouser and curiouser

December 31, 2009

1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?
I went an entire year without having a job, which, I have to say, rocked and continues to rock in pretty much every way. I’ve kept (oh no. I almost just typed hella. I never say hella. There has been too much California recently, must be) incredibly busy all year, and I’ve been rolling on a more or less straight track towards what I want to do in every area of my life, so having the time off from a nine to five to really really get in there and soul search is fabulous. Also I fell in love, and it has changed every shade in my life.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I can’t remember. I can never remember. But I do know that I’ve spent all year struggling and soaring to be the best person I possibly can be in every way and have as much fun as possible while doing it. Give me the path of righteousness that rocks, baby, and make that two, one for this year’s resolution also.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Not outside of the internets, no.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

No. Knock wood cross fingers kiss elbow.

5. What countries did you visit?

I know it doesn’t count at all but for me it was like a whole new world via magic carpet ride…warm ocean, flowers that look like ferraris, disco fish while snorkeling…HAWAII! I love Hawaii. It doesn’t even have good bacon, that I found anyway and I am an as the deer panteth for the water so my soul longeth after bacon kind of girl so you’d think if there was good bacon I’d have found it…it doesn’t even have good bacon, and I love Hawaii. So much. Parrots. Pirates. Flippy floppies.

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?

I think I would like to go back to school. So, I would like a way to do that and still be able to live in the manner to which I am accustomed, that is to say very cheaply but very well. And I had peace, lots of it, but I would still like more. For me and everyone.

7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

August 15th, 2009. August 30th to September 7, 2009. December 19th to 22nd, 2009. Because they all ROCKED.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Love. Definitely love. Hard to believe in, harder to find, and hardest of all to let go of and simply enjoy. So fucking amazing, though. So far so good is becoming so damn far and so damn good. Also Taxes. Definitely taxes. Going back to classes of any sort for anything was kind of a big step for me, and discovering that I actually like crunching numbers was somewhat akin to an out of body experience. Who are you and what have you done with me?

9. What was your biggest failure?

Fear. Always fear.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Requisite drunk bruises, a couple of nasty colds.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Burning Man ticket. Burning Man ticket. Burning Man ticket. Oh. My. God.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Everyone’s! Really. I feel like I’m watching all my friends grow up around me and become better, more mature versions of themselves. People are starting to give a shit now about some things that we were all too wasted or lazy to care about before, and the result is seriously more beautiful people. I swear. Everyone looks better to me this year than they ever have before, also. Especially Carol, who amazes me every time I see her with new star petals of happiness. She is always blossoming wider.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Y’all know I don’t like to think about this side of crap. And really, most of the behavior I was most uncool with was my own, so yeah. Bleh this question.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Not cigarettes! I fucking quit, bitches! You may not have a hundred dollars a month from me, you may not pass GO, and I think I will go spend that hundred dollars at the bins. Woot! Hem. Anyhow. Most of my money went to bills of course, but that is boring. The interesting stuff went to…Christmas presents, gin and tonic, tipping the kj, awesome stuff from the bins (Boba Fett costume! Hoop skirt!), hair dye. Lots and lots and lots of hair dye.

15. What did you get really excited about?

Taking pictures of things on the ground! Purple hair! Being single! Not being single! David Sedaris! Lekku! Body paint! Vegetables…coffee…bananas…ok, this is deteriorating.

16. What song will always remind you of 2009?

Midnight Sun by The Sound. It makes me feel like a gentle warrior princess. I will conquer my life sweetly and my life will love me for it.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

– happier or sadder? So much happier that just thinking the word ‘happy’ can make me cry or make me laugh. Such an ocean of happiness. It scares me and makes me grateful every time I think of it.
– thinner or fatter? I think about the same. I quit smoking, though, so I’m open to the possibility of fatter. Stronger and healthier for damn sure.

– richer or poorer? Same old same old. Boring question. Suggest: see 1) happy.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Chilled the ever loving how long god damn fuck out. I did so much of it! I could have done so much more.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

I wish I had given into my fears and lived precious moments of my life as a jackass less often. Fears: face, know, send away.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

With Alain’s family in Sacramento. It has been lovely, and I have had wonderful times. I have also practiced riding a barrel with a saddle on it so that soon I will be able to ride a horse without acting like a dumbass for the first ten minutes. I am super excited about horses. They are one of those things I got over being afraid of t his year.

21. Did you fall in love in 2009?


22. What was your favorite TV program?

Probably America’s Next Top Model. I do not even care.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?


24. What was the best book you read?

Hahaha anything by David Sedaris. My tax and accounting books (sorry, is totally true). The Lucifer graphic novels books one and two; damn are they the very definition of good; other than ethically.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Music with fire. At Burning Man.

26. What did you want and get?


27. What did you want and not get?

Nothing I can think of. Maybe more ice cream, but then, I am happy that my waist is not fatter. So, I think I have been pretty much blessed to overfuckingflowing this year. I feel like turning myself into a windup toy that just bobs around going ‘thank you’ ‘thank you’ ‘thank you’ all the time.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?

Avatar in 3D at the Imax. Gorgeous.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

On my birthday I went to open mic and Night Light as usual and unlike usual almost all of my favorite people came and I had a Charlie the Unicorn cake. I had a Charlie the Unicorn cake. I luvs Marie forever.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

More…dude, I really don’t know. There were a ton of little things I would have loved to have had at any time all year, but none of them really matter at all. I even got a cheese grater I like now. I guess it would have been nice if I could have done more hanging out with everyone in general. I miss a lot of people right now. Miss you sadly.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?

Better? I think I got better. I just randomly cut up a shirt one day and that stuck around to liven things up a bit. Burning Man definitely influenced my wardrobe thusly: comfort first; then radness. I got rid of most of my high heels and bought a lot more froofy stuff. I HAD PURPLE HAIR!

32. What kept you sane?

The moon, trees; shut up, haters. The people I love, when they weren’t driving me insane themselves, which honestly, they usually weren’t. Walking. Sitting inside myself like I was a mountain and my body was moss. Coffee.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

David Sedaris. The words, ooooooh the words. They’re sweet like honey perfectly dripped onto your tongue from a spoon held skillfully waaaay above your head. Or they’re like a fork that just poked you in the eye. Ha.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

I get pretty pissed that my only actual healthcare option is ‘stay healthy.’ It’s scary, the older I get.

35. Who did you miss?

Pretty much everyone at some point. I was more physically scattered this year than ever before, meaning out of town more often. I guess that also applies for mentally. Boo.

36. Who was the best new person you met?

What stands out in my mind like it was burned in with a sugar laser is this couple Alain and I met at Burning Man the night I quit smoking. They were older, I don’t know, maybe fifty, and at Burning Man and just happy and in love and at peace. Their souls were exactly at the level I hope that mine can be when I’m their age, and they gave me a real confidence that I can achieve that, and they taught me that I have to start now. I wish them so much happiness.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.

Listen to your body. It literally speaks to your mind. It’s got important shit to say.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

I can’t think of any right now! Gah. I really enjoyed singing Beck’s ‘Loser’ karaoke, but it doesn’t…exactly…sum up my year.


Greetings, peoples of earth. I am wearing awesome tie dye and it combined with the delicate luxuriousness of my mossay green sweater has transported me to another level of being. Transmitting now from the planet of Great Satisfaction In One’s Wardrobe,

This is not what I look like now but it is also a fabulous wardrobe choice and I don’t think I made you look at my awesome jack o’lantern, so you can do that now. Yay. Bombing is Holly’s dad, and he is very sneaky. I never knew he was there until I looked at the picture.

In other and more current news, yesterday I went to San Fransisco for the first time and it rocked an unimaginable amount of face. Alain had an(other!) interview in SF and I wanted to see the city, so he (super brilliantly) dropped me off at the apparently legendary Haight/Ashbury. Go ahead and ask me about that box I was raised in, (small! cozy!), but I had never heard of Haight & Ashbury before. Once I hit the sidewalk thought, I loved it. Alain is from CA originally and he says it’s kind of cliche and overdone, but I thought it was just like a bigger older grubbier awesomer combination of maybe Alberta and Saturday Market.

Places I visited and people I met:

1) For the Love of Ganesha, a beautiful little SE Asian store. I walked in through gauzy curtains and was met by the most calming, smile tugging atmosphere. There was a huge basket of gorgeous inexpensive skirts right by the front door and I bought two, one to match my current outfit so I could continue my H/A experience in greater style. They had an amazing mellow meditation room that I sat in for a couple of minutes just taking time out to enjoy being alive and in San Fransisco, and I think that was a pretty sweet way to start my day off.

2) Some hippie kids who were sitting on the sidewalk, making bead necklaces. They asked me for a dollar and I asked them to roll me a j, because I cannot ever roll them myself and no amount of shame or practice has done anything to change that so far. I therefore have no shame, and after looking at me kind of pityingly for a second I handed over a dollar and a girl with her third eye tattooed on her forehead rolled me a j. I was sitting there smoking it with them when they all started hissing ‘put that down!’ and I shoved it behind my back and two bike cops rolled up. Now, I am a sissyboy when it comes to any city’s finest. I am absolutely pee my pants terrified of them, and so I put the end of the j firmly between my thumb and the sidewalk and ground it out, and shook like a little old lady leaf. No one else seemed very perturbed, not even the cops, who after going through a ‘how far shall we take this investigation’ routine, just told us to take a walk.

Things I bought and things I did not buy:

1) Did:  super rad cheese grater at the goodwill. It’s one of those pyramid cheese graters like we had when I was little, and it’s made of white plastic and the cheese grating holes on one side are shaped like flowers. WIN.

2) Not: heartbreakingly awesome white pleather outfit that cost eighty kajillion dollars and was so perfect in mind, body and spirit that I think I will have to write an epic saga or at least a decently long ode proclaiming the lilting love song of its very existence.

I also met two new friends named James and Alyssa, both of whom are so cool it is not to be believed, and I have realized a new sort of confidence in myself as a person, knowing that I can go outside of Portland and still make good friends with good people in good time. James and I smoked under a eucalyptus tree, and I had never seen one of those before, but my god. They look to me like the white tree of Gondor, all white and twisty and scrolly branches with feathery leaves, and just fucking HUGE. The trees in general in California are pretty astounding. I have seen an olive tree, and walked on a sidewalk littered with olives, olives, food just laying there, and it flabbergasts me. I walked over the droppings of a pepper tree and the result was so pungent I could smell pepper even with a stuffed nose; I could breathe pepper with my mouth and feel pepper on my skin. I walked by an orange tree, and I walked by a lemon tree. It’s freaking crazy. Add an avocado tree and you’d have a stunning salad.

Also, I am no longer afraid of horses, although if you put me alone in a room with one I would still behave very cautiously. I even have the boldness to stand with composure while bad horses eat my coat collar, before I snap out of my decongestant high and gently reprimand said bad horse while pushing his big head away. Luke is my favorite of Alain’s mom’s horses, and it is because he is bad, but I will still not tolerate the attempted ingestion of my favorite coat. Which is a good thing, because, as I have recently learned (although fortunately not from personal experience), horses can not throw up. The more I contemplate this fact, the more it seems like it would really, really suck.


Merry day after Christmas, everyone. I am tired and continue to be full of all sorts of good things like snot and more snot, and I miss everyone dreadfully. Today is the first day in like five days that my eyeballs have felt actually connected to something, as today is the first day in like five days that I have not been lightly tripping on little green decongestant pills. I must have the pansiest tolerance level in the world. The one and only time I ventured to take DayQuil, I tripped so hard and so long I kind of hoped the world was going to end soon. The knock-off low strength stuff I took this time around was a lot better, but I still spent days and days in a row feeling mostly like a block of something very heavy with no sort of attachment to anything whatsoever including own limbs, floating gently through thick air. I also hallucinated a fair amount of little brightly colored blobs of light that seemed friendly enough and a few evil gollums that seemed like they were there for no reason other than to pull me through the motel6 mirror and take me to Mordor. Forever. Thanks so much, nighttime decongestant pills.

Anyhow, sorry that this is an entire post about OTC tripping, but I am going to go cough a lot and then lay back down. Merry Christmas. Hallelujiah. Holy shit. Where’s the Tylenol?

Ps. I got a taun-taun sleeping bag!

oh Jesus it’s in one week

December 18, 2009

I find it ominously just that I haven’t posted since my birthday. Things were nice and slow in November, and then the birthdays that never end began, and lo, Christmas was upon us like a lover pursuing, and I had my tax course midterm, and it was so hard I almost died. That is why I have not posted in so long, that and general inability due to general laziness/mental absence. My mind tends to pop off somewhere by itself and leave me slumped on the couch gazing blearily at nothing for hours every time I finish a tax course chapter, which happens a lot lately and OH BY THE WAY: I am finished with said tax course! I now have to review it and review it and review it till my brain falls out, and then I have to take my final and then I have to take the state exam…dun dun dunnnn…but I am done learning new crap for right now and oh my god I never thought I’d say this but I am so tired of learning new crap. Someday my mind will open once more to the sun rays of knowledge like the lush green stripes of a baby watermelon, but not today. Probably not even any time in the next two weeks. Worn out baby watermelon. Poor baby watermelon.

Right now I am sitting on the couch with my coffee cup next to me, perched slightly precariously on the couch, and I would like to issue a formal apology to Holly, because I called her a retard. I called her a retard for putting her coffee on the couch instead of on the coffee table, which is only two extra feet away, and I thought that I was right. Now, however, I can see that those two feet sometimes make a large difference, and absolute laziness must win the day. Only upon occasion, though. Reaching two extra feet for your coffee mug every two seconds works the ab muscles. Coffee makes you fit. Being fit makes you have more sex. Coffee = sex. You are welcome.

I am night unto death here with long spun out secretiveness. I am not used to hiding much of anything, and if there are ever things I decide to keep to myself they are usually dinky little cobwebs of magic or malice, and I can string them up between the elm tree and the toadstools in my mind and leave them out to catch dead leaves. Christmas presents are another story entirely, because everyone is going to find out eventually and it is my enormously heartfelt opinion that when they do find out there will be joy. I have almost – thiiiiiiis close – told every single person I bought things for exactly what I bought for them, completely absent-mindedly and by accident. This is because I buy such awesome gifts that they work themselves seamlessly into the fabric of everyday conversation and I open my mouth to say, ‘well when I give you your Christmas present you’ll never need sunscreen again’ and I catch myself just in time and go into all sorts of near shock convulsions, because omg. I almost just blew Santa’s secret. I am so bad at secrets. Fortunately for me, a lot of the pressure will be removed this weekend, because I am going with Alain to California for Christmas with his family, and so tonight I am having Christmas with Holly’s family and tomorrow I am having Christmas with my family. I just tried to take a picture of our tree, so as to demonstrate the full power of this battle station, but the effing BAGS of presents, each bigger than Santa’s sack and bursting with hand wrapped goodness, won’t all fit into the frame. Seriously, I have done most of my shopping over the past year at the bins and other seconds hand stores, and I have accrued multitudes of gifts. It will be a stone cold relief to have them opened up and relying on someone else for their room and board.

If I don’t talk to you before then, and there can be no promises, have a Merry Fucking Christmas and a Happy as hell New Year.

Splatters for all mankind.

it’s all adhesive

December 3, 2009

I have been to see my family, so that they could wish me happy birthday and shower me with gifts such as stuffed monkey necklaces, kazoos and a potato masher. I am now rich in many random ways; also I have an entire case of Tab soda residing in the passenger seat of my car, because this is a funny joke to my mom and has been for many years, and because I did not feel like carrying it up the stairs.

My family is an overstirred milkshake of thick yet frothy batshit, and they are also a very welcome and beautiful reminder that I am far from being alone in the world where certain of my stranger mindsets are concerned. I walk into a house where labels are affixed with bandaids because tape was harder to find, where no one room seems to have any one particular function, where chaos of multiple types is still being sorted into boxes with my uptight, teenage handwriting on them, and I instantly remember with every bit of me all at once that everything about me is flat fuck fine and dandy, because there is a reason for me. Being an adult and having my own general life and surrounding myself by people more or less of my own choosing is fabulous in many ways, but every so often it tends to send me over some edge or another of self loss, where everyone else’s background and family seems so much more pedestrian than mine, and then I start to have the cracks of crazy all down the sides of my skull. It’s almost like an adolescent urge to fit in, I think. Frequently I just want an easy story, easy roots, and an easy foothold in who I am and how I came to be. I know we’re pretty much all in that boat, (hi there!), my family certainly takes many prizes for cool and unusual forms of insanity but so does everyone the hell else’s, but I tend to forget that on a day to day basis until I go back home and realize that here are a bunch of people that frequently make no sense whatsoever but generally make perfect sense to me. And that decades have gone into our song and dance, and that it’s a song ain’t got no melody…however I will sing it to my friends regardless. Today I have remembered that I am Tabitha of the race of Awesome. Ta-dah!

This is my brother Jimmy, immediately after he screamed like a howler monkey and flung himself on the ground. He did this because I asked my mom for a tape measure. As far as I know there is no connection.

This is the glass of water I was drinking out of before my mother removed every trick re-lighting candle from my cake and dropped them one by one into said glass.