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I am so tired

January 7, 2011

of the drug company advertisements for some or other cure for depression. I watch this shit and I think, is there just something missing, do you feel like a puzzle you can’t find your missing piece, has everything lost its flavor, can you not find direction, do you wake up sad, tired, with aches and pains, without the will to go on, cry when you see grand moments of love on tv, do you stare out your windshield and think why can’t any of you help me,

THEN CHANGE YOUR FUCKING LIFE.

You are enough as you are. You do not need a pill or a tablet or a drink or a hit. You just need a friend. Get a friend.

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2010

January 3, 2011

1. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?

WELL. Let me tell you about that.

I moved to San Francisco, and whatever I may think about that, I have done it. That much is certain and more or less arrogant.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Um. You know. I can’t remember.

But this year I have resolved to read more books, to wear more boots, to perfect my hall length Kramer socks slide, to howl at my bad family when they don’t call me, to drink more champagne in taller glasses, go to school with a will for what my acadmeic transcript would have you believe is the first time, (I tended to peter out midterm) to paint dance sew (with machine!) sing practice write letters and stick the stamp on like I do.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

No, but Maquette is about to! Goodness.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

My uncle. I had met him only a couple of times when I was very little, but he was close to me by blood and he donated a legendary stuffed bear to my joint childhood with Thad. I assume quite definitely that he will be satisfactorily taken care of in the after whatever due to this great generosity.

5. What countries did you visit?

Guatemala! It was one of the most amazing experiences ever in the most layered and textured of ways, and I have never seen better flowers, taller mountains or color schemes I agreed more with.

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?

I would like to reclaim the kind of self confidence that swishes across your coffee table, knocks over the umbrella stand and leaves your door mostly ajar on the way out.

I think it will help a lot to finally have a plan or two. Not that plans are anything whatever besides funny to the gods, but hey. They make me feel like a bowl of raspberries in the sun.

7. What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

December 3rd, 2010: my birthday in Guatemala. It was fucking surreal from beginning to end and I got a great gift: enough.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Finding ways to smile in the many fucked up faces of this ravaged city, finding magic in the middle of its rat race curb kicked misery, finding delight in the big and little secret and famous treasures here, finding the wonderful, ridiculous, fabulous, brilliant best kind of people here, and finding a way to make it all work for myself.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Not dancing hard, laughing loud, trusting myself strong, making magic crashing, ly enough. I was pretty wrecked by the sudden loss of everything I was used to at the same time for the first time in my life…I really had no concept whatsoever of having not a single friend within a ten mile radius until I moved to SF, and I sat and pouted about it for a way longer time than I should have.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Sigh. I banged the hell out of my knee bone against a fire hydrant once. I swear to god it made a bump on my bone.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Let’s all thank god for the airplanes.

12. Where did most of your money go?

(almost) paying off my car (so close so close), the airplanes.

13. What did you get really excited about?

San Francisco! Burning Man! Guatemala! School! Murals! Weeds! Having a job!

14. What song will always remind you of 2010?

Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Boys, because this is the year I finally sang it karaoke. I say finally, because no other KJ had it, until SF presented me with my brand new baby mole lennon KJ, who has also Sentimental Journey and almost everything ever by Weird Al.

15. Compared to this time last year, are you:

Happier or sadder: I am happier in some ways and sadder in some ways.

Thinner or fatter: about the same, although I have a sneaking suspicion that living on cookies and wheat thins is going to start catching up with me soon if I don’t start adding a protein and vegetable in now and then.

Richer or poorer: about the same. I make more money at my job than I did on unemployment, but everything effing costs more here and I blow half of anything ever on plane tickets to PDX. Maybe I have an addiction.

16. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Enjoyed effortlessly. Flirted with danger. Ate cheese and popcorn in front of Mary Tyler Moore. Wore more boots to bed.

17. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Cried for my sad self. Sat in a fucking airplane. Typed. Stressed about things that I frankly do not give a damn about and never have. Vomited after gin. Eaten nothing but crackers and cookies…

18. How did you spend Christmas?

With my crazy amazing crazy family, in Portland, with the special bonus prize of getting my boyfriend there also!

19. What was your favorite TV program?

Weeds. ANTM.

20. What were your favorite books of the year?

Aw. I had a lot of library books this year and I can’t remember many. I had a year of devotion to boring crap like books on gardening and massage and freaking chakra alignment…although I did just finish up a juicy 1930s novel about a young second wife and her mysterious, passionate husband. I personally found the mysterious, passionate husband tiresome, but I might be in love with the first wife.

21. What was your favorite music from this year?

Alain introduced me more fully to the Killers, he and Jason and I went to Voxtrot’s last show, I discovered Dead Maus and Chromeo and CocoRosie.

22. What were your favorite films of the year?

Scott Pilgrim, Inception, Avatar was phenomenal the first few times and then I noticed the plot and the characters and the script and I was sad.

23. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

On my birthday I had a freezing shower and a juice and a coffee at Burger King and I watched Spanish music videos. I went to a Mayan women’s ceremony and met a tiny kitten and a thirsty parrot and a myriad of lovely colorful people and words and customs. I walked around a town square and ate chocolate cake from a napkin and was horrified by beeping christmas lights. I had a lovely lovely lovely time.

24. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Bringing all the fuckers I fucking miss with me to help take this shit over.

25. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?

In need of that certain feminine touch.

26. What kept you sane?

The airplanes. Movement. Having adventures with Alain. Talking to Thomas and Holly on the phone like pretty much every day. Tossing seeds into patches of dirt to see if they’ll grow. Coffee.

27. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.

I can do anything, but I won’t necessarily want to.