run down the curtain

Quality not Quantity

I’m sure nobody is surprised by this, but I hands down choose quality over quantity in pretty much every situation. Even if we’re talking about bubble wrap, I would rather have a few good blisters to pop with gusto than a whole sheet of halfway flat, pin pricked or smooshy bubbles.

The same goes for life. I would rather have less that is better than more that is worse. I think one of the great tragedies of our era in Western civilization is the prevelence of nursing home living, where people who are incurably damaged are kept alive through many unnatural means. This in itself is not necessarily a problem for me, as every life is its own candlestick and there is no a replacing specific individual even if overpopulation is a growing problem; however, keeping a terminally ill person alive through unnatural methods and also isolating them from any natural interaction and usefulness to their society is dreadful to me. At that point, no offense to anyone, what are they living for? The point of continued existence is to continue to evolve as a soul, share one’s soul with community, receive from and give back to one’s community…basically to live is to be a part of something, and when you are not even very connected with your own mind or body I think it is unnatural to force continued existence through artificial support.

On the other hand, I know that there are many ways a person can be in a nursing home and still have a meaningful life, both for themselves and for others; I am not trying to argue that death should be allowed to run its course in all instances when we have the power to postpone it.

For myself personally I have no idea what sort of a lifespan I would like. I could die at any point and part of me would be sad but part of me would be fine. I expect this will last for the rest of my existence here. For one thing, I love my life; I love this beautiful, tragic, bittersweet world; I love so many incredible, unique, gorgeous beings; I love this precious existence of mine. However, I know every day when I wake up to another morning that this precious existence remains for now but not forever. As long as I live there will be beautiful beloved things to hold me here, but as long as I live a part of my spirit will be always rushing toward the inevitable transition into what lies beyond or doesn’t. So I am not personally invested in longevity. I understand how some people could be, and I can see and empathize with their reasons. But for me it will always be about quality of living. I will always be striving to live each moment as exquisitely as if it were my last, because I am convicted to the marrow of my bones that it very well could be. I try to plan for my future and glory in my past, but more than anything I try to live in the present. I don’t exactly believe that now is all you have, but…damn it all, now is all you have.

To enhance the quality of aging necessarily requires one to believe in more than the now, however. If I truly believed that now is all I have, I would be smoking a cigarette right now. Right this very little minute. And I would be working not to build a foundation for a possible family and secure future for myself, I would be working to buy cigarettes and booze and gorgeous little shoes like I did in my late teens and early twenties. I would be living on buttered toast without guilt, and I would not try to eat salad.

There has to be a balance between preparing for a quality aging experience and placing the most focus on one’s present circumstances. Like all balancing acts in life, this one is extremely important and the tightrope is rarely in the same place twice; you have to bring awareness and intention to every situation in order to really balance out your desires.

I am so totally going to