Seriously, whoever googled ‘what a teddy bear hamster looks like after a year of death’ and hit my blog, most unhelpful I imagine although I do an awfully lot of bitching about the TBH a few years back…why do you want to know that?

Also, I think that ‘a year of death’ is a cute way of saying it. Still I suspect your need to know.

I am


It’s your turn, she said, and slid me off my stem as gently as the skin off a teardrop.

We stood at the edge of everything and looked over.

You’ll know it when you see it, she said, but I quaked a bit at the soft black enormity crossed with infinite weaving loops of life.

I scanned them slowly; there’s no hurry, she said.

I pondered a slim, sinuous silver blue ribbon.

I thought for awhile about a rushing yellow band of buoyant exuberancy.

I leaned dangerously toward a mossy lashing of spiraling green.

Suddenly I saw it and all the agony and ecstasy that has ever run the ring of time seared up inside me. I knew every curve of its journey, every kiss and kick of its texture. Its dusky bleeding crimson throbbed to the music of my one life force. It waited for me, gnarled and broken at intervals, knotted back together with cunning or desperation.

Without hesitation I flung myself toward it, glad certainty ringing through my every atom as I rushed.

Had I not tied those knots with my own fingers?

swimming in the magic

April 13, 2012

I am so happy.

It’s a pale sunny morning with skies all layered in blue and white clouds, out my left window the grainy kind that look like someone water colored them on behind the four bridges I can see, bonafide electric blue sky and pure unbuttered popcorn clouds out the window to my right.

I am so incredibly happy to be here. I walked this morning in just a heart crushing stream of ecstasy. It is so beautiful here, and people go out of their way to keep it so and add strange little precious things to it. Nature is appreciated here, and nourished, and elaborated upon. The trees are beating up the sidewalks. Flowers clog the gutters and lie broken or petaled in the streets.

I feel that I can see the next stages of my life for the first time. It’s like the theory of deja vu in reverse, where I keep getting flashbacks in my head of things that feel like they’re going to happen. Maybe it’s just knowing what I really want for the first time in my life and loving it and working toward it successfully and being so damn pleased about it. Maybe my subconscious is just projecting my waking dreams from my doormouse mind, where they are running on repeat to everyone’s intense delight. There is just nothing to stop me now. Even if I get hurt or get super poor or have a child or what have you; I have all the time in the world or it won’t matter. I can suddenly have a five and a ten year plan. And I do, which is so out of character it is nothing short of ridiculous and fanciful and full of gardens with ceramic mushrooms. It is void, and without form, but it moves upon the face of my deep quiet and although I never look at it I hold it somehow or perhaps it just stays on its own, and I know that it is there percolating and at exactly all the right times bits of it will pop up like peas in soup and everything will be delicious. (knock wood). (it is ok if the physical grace and astounding memory peas never pop up. One must make the occasional sacrifice).

There is a huge blue hole in the center of the biggest white cloud in the wide bright sky, and it makes me want to tunnel through it to the hot, sunny bank of a cold rushing river. I can kind of understand why some people name their daughters Summer. It really is one of the best things ever. I hope nobody ever names their kid bacon, although I feel sadly like this might have already happened. There is after all a turkey carving lightsaber.

If I could have anything in the world right now I think it would be a cold turkey sandwich and the sanction to smoke a cigarette inside. I know I am evil twice in that sentence but animals are delicious and sometimes you don’t want to quit every little thing you’re doing just to have three puffs of a cigarette. The world is a vampire. God I love it though.

Stupid dubstep. I am so tired of it. And this is the same world that took away our Voxtrot. See also, world; vampire.


I am

an echo in so much space

April 13, 2012

This undoubtedly brilliant post brought to you by second week school panic and scotch in the afternoon. In fact, that is pretty much all I have to say. Almost.

Dear Professor F, WHY can you not set up dropbox correctly? I have an entire assignment all dressed up and nowhere to go, and another entire assignment blowing around in the ether behind a 401 error. I would be so happy to give you assignment number one if only I could; and at this point I would be quite beside myself with joy if I could get the fuck started on assignment two, but I still have no damn idea what it even is because although I have emailed you FOUR times asking you to just email the instructions to me since you apparently set the web forms up to resemble an impervious fortress of fuck not given, you have just emailed me back ‘click on the link.’ OH WHAT? You mean this link, which I have copied and pasted into three emails so far along with a screenshot of the same damn error message it gives me every single time? FAH, sir. FAH.

Also, scotch. It is not my thing and I am feeling rather queasy and obviously a moderate amount agressive, but it was not my birthday and so it was not my choice. Some persons should just count their blessings and be grateful to be slightly wasted during work hours. Happy birthday, Tanya. I hope all your webpages open like they ought to.

I am

the grass was green

April 11, 2012

One of the absolute best features of my current job is the fact that I get to open every piece of mail that ever comes through. And because we are a largeish and moderately important organization of fabulous persons and fascinating products, we get a lot of mail.

I tell you truly, there is not much in life that beats opening several dozen bits of financial correspondence and throwing every single envelope directly onto the floor. Except perhaps for my car and my ability to walk in four inch heels I think that this is the facet of adulthood that my child self would have been most delighted with.