the wicked and wild wind

January 2, 2013

What was the single best thing that happened this past year?

Freedom, clear and singing. Followed closely by love, like sunshine after rain.

 What was the single most challenging thing that happened?

Well keeping my car healthy and functioning sure was a pain in the ass and exactly what you might call a challenge…

It was also and of course continues to be a challenge to forge balance for myself in the everydays of my life.

 What was an unexpected joy this past year?

Pink Imaginary Friend FTW.

 What was an unexpected obstacle?

I had to get used to Portland and everyone and everything in it all over again. I thought somehow that I would come back and at least remember which streets went where, but it was difficult and only recently is my ogod ogod I’m probably lost panic starting to subside when I drive somewhere new. It was also strange and sometimes damn hard to figure out where my friends and family and I fit into each other’s lives, but looking back I think we all did a fine job of sipping the honey from the good times and jettisoning negative old behavior patterns left and right.

 Did you have to learn any hard life lessons in the past 12 months?

Sometimes the very precious cracked things I imagine I can strengthen I wind up making more fragile than ever. Sometimes there is nothing I can do about this except let them go and trust that else will touch and heal the ache like I couldn’t.

 Have you had any life-changing experiences in 2012?

Oh, hm.


I totally came into my power in 2012. Once my shoulders swung free and my world was my own and my mind was not full of self inflicted truth twists, my path just sort of rolled out in front of me toward the sunset. It undulates beneath and the side view landscape changes all the time, but it is there and it is mine and it is going somewhere.

 Did you do anything you never thought you would do?

I made out with Jason.

I learned to cook.

I went to Vegas; I was good at blackjack.

I beat Keith at shuffleboard.

 What is your happiest memory from the year?

I cannot possibly manage this, it’s like trying to pick a favorite book or color. This year was god damn hot peppered with glorious, magical, marvelous moments and days of wolf howl laughter happiness. This year has by a long shot been the most intricate and best of my life. I am in love with the world and it is loving me back soft as fuck.

 What was your most stupid incident?


I fucked some stuff up with my car and some stuff up with boys. I cussed in front of my grandma at Christmas. I fell down an entire staircase (again). I left rice and beans on the stovetop for like four hours one night; my apartment smelt wretchedly scorched for like a week afterward.

 Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year?

The last thing I did before leaving Jess and Tak’s house in SF was break a wineglass. I swept it up but still. That house is just built to break wineglasses in.

 What was your proudest moment of 2012?

Somehow it is that turquoise afternoon that Derek and I carried my awesome squeaky couch home. I was strong enough to do it, twice, and it meant that now I really had a home. I guess ditto for the evening that I got a mattress that was larger than a postage stamp.

 What was your most embarrassing moment of 2012?


I totally spilled red wine on the white rug at Marie’s house sitting Thanksgiving party. It was awful.

 Pick three words to describe 2012.




 What was the best book you read this year?

Equal Rites by Terry Pratchett. What a great goddamn writer. Such a funny, ruby tongued, silver souled story.

 What was your favorite movie that you saw in 2012?

Looper was clever and beautiful. And had Bruce Willis.

And, damn. My movie watching has totally slid through the cracks this year. Are we going to ask me about TV shows? I have TV shows.

 What was your favorite record from 2012?

For several months I had a beautiful record player, and I played Dire Straits’ Brothers in Arms probably fifty million times. I am still not over Dire Straits.

 What was your favorite month of 2012?

Oh hell.

December. I had a gingerbread Tardis, I bowled two strikes, I got jello shots and punched a penguin pinata and Jason in the face(s), I got to see my beautiful crazy family a lot, I fell damn in love.

 What was the best thing you bought?

Well I got a toaster.

I cannot however take credit for it.

I did a good job all on my own of buying toilet paper though, GRANDMA.

 In what way(s) did you grow emotionally?

I learned to love others as much as I must without forgetting to love myself. It’s not like I’m super fabulous at it or anything yet, but the baby green shoots of new life patterns have their faces in the sun.

 In what way(s) did you grow spiritually?

I soared.

I felt my own skin and reveled in it. I claimed a life path for myself and started sharpening the tools I will need for the journey.

 In what way(s) did you grow physically?



I am trying to grow my hair out if that counts.

 In what way(s) did you grow in your relationships with others?

I loved in a more integrated way. I had greater expectations for better relationships than I have sometimes helped to mangle, and I really worked my ass off to achieve them. I learned how to say no.

 What was your single biggest time waster in your life this past year?

I watched a shameful amount of How I Met Your Mother and Downton Abbey.

 What was the best way you used your time this past year?

School! I’ve been hitting it with my best shot for the duration, and I’ve been rocking it so far. Now there is math but…hopefully that too can just fall under the powerful sway of my determination to have what I want.

 What was biggest thing you learned this past year?

Accept yourself as you are. Move as you are, breathe as you are, sing as you are, drive as you are, dress as you are, fickle as you are, vice as you are, change as you are, laugh and cry as you are, fail as you are, succeed as you are. Holding yourself down or presenting yourself with a customized spin to make others like you more is not actually doing anyone any favors.

Those who love me love me for my actuality, and thus they damn deserve it.

 Create a phrase or statement that describes 2012 for you.

She looked at them and realized that they were all she had ever needed, how odd to have had them all along, her very own homegrown ruby damned slippers. The mechanics so fluid, the space between so very exact. She extended them slowly; they fit the world perfectly.

 What is something you did this year that you think you will remember for the rest of your life?

I punched Jason in the jaw.

 What is something you accomplished this year that you are proud of?

I came back to a job, a great job, and I did amazing work. I also maintained a 4.0 all year. I did not walk in front of a bus.

 If you could change one thing that happened this year, what would it be?

I would have screwed the engine oil cap on tighter.

 What are the three most important things you learned this year?

Cooking is easy.

There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind.

I am still the answer.

 What is something that was hard for you at the start of the year, but is easy now?

Telling myself the truth.

Making delicious soup.

 In what area do you feel you made your biggest improvements?


I learned how to trust who I am, and how to share that true self with others.

And can I just say there is also the fact that I beat Keith at shuffleboard.

 Knowing what you know now, if you could write a letter to yourself that would travel back in time so that you would receive it at the start of the year, what advice would you give yourself?

You got this, bitch.

 What was the nicest thing someone has done for you this year?

So many beautiful people have done so many nice things for me. I have felt the love like pretty much never since childhood if ever, this past year.

I think the very nicest thing that anyone has given me is the reassurance that my feelings are important or at least valid, and that I do not need to just shut up.

Also I got an Xbox and that is the shit.

 Did you fall in love in 2012?

Yippee ki yay, motherfucker.

 If yes, with who/do they know?

With Jason, and I am pretty certain he knows. I could maybe stop beating him at pool and darts and he would feel the love more. I am lying about the darts. Also the pool.

 Are you still in love with them?

More and more. I break my own brain on a daily basis with the amount of sap that I am able to gush. I believe in miracles. You sexy thing.

 Did you break up with anyone in 2012?

Oh shut up.

 Did you make any new friends in 2012?

Yeah, quite a few. This is a surprisingly vague question.

 What person has made the biggest impact in your life this year? Why?

Jason, because of all the burgers and shots at Dot’s while we figure out the tilt of the world, and for loving me so gorgeously.

 With whom were your most valuable relationships?

Pretty much everyone I have been hanging out with. I feel like my circle of friends and family is less wide but far more finely textured.

 How were relationships with boyfriends/girlfriends?

Up and down, left and right, aft agley.

 How many people did you sleep with in 2012?

I feel like I am not going to tell you this, and I am also going to resent that you asked. Who the hell are you, anyway?

 Did you lose anybody close to you in 2012?

Not to death, thank everything, and I had better not.

I lost some of the most wonderful people I have ever met when I left San Francisco. I miss them all the time.

 Did you (or anyone close to you) give birth?

Several families in my larger circle of friends had first babies! Babies are actually super rad. I had totally forgotten about that.

 Who are you most proud of?

Thomas. He got his GED, is getting his driver’s license, is going to college, and has all manner of direction and drive. And he has great hair.

 Did you have any meetings that you find memorable?

Are we talking business meetings? Because all of those tend to be pretty memorable, fueled by 7% hoppy reds and inspired by that dream within a dream, the functional clone kit for the girl bits.

 What was the worst lie someone told you in 2012?

I’m fine.

 Whose behavior merited celebration?

All of my close friends are doing pretty phenomenal in my opinion. Nitya found her self acceptance and is shining through like sunshine again but in a more peaceful, beautiful way. Holly is learning about herself and choosing the kind of space she wants to fill and life she wants to have. Lucky is nice to people sometimes now. The Broncos are first seed in the playoffs.

 Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

I always avoid this question if I can’t say that it was me.

And it wasn’t, because this year I was awesome. Except for falling down the stairs. And sundry times I was too drunk to walk, which for the record had nothing to do with the stairs.

 Do you hate (strongly dislike) anyone or anything now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Nah. I’ll always be a middle distance runner.

 Did you travel outside of your country of residence in 2012?

No…but my country of residence was pretty much all that I required in 2012.

 How many different states / provinces did you travel to in 2012?

I did two states…oh, three; if the bins in Vancouver count. Oh wait, four, I also went to Nevada briefly.

 How many concerts did you see in 2012?


I went to some Winebirds shows. I think that may be it.


 Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2012?

Sometimes yes and sometimes no.

 Did you do a lot of drugs in 2012?


 What did you do last year that you’d never done before?

I changed my mass air flow meter; that was badass. (actually it was super easy but working on my car by myself will always make me feel like I’ve got the gun and nobody else knows where the c4 is).

 What would you like to have this year that you lacked last year?

A shockingly comprehensive and cohesive understanding of mathematics. Rollerblades. A functional saxophone.

Notice how I am just letting go of the motorcycle for right now.

 What date from last year will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

Brandon’s birthday, because it was the night I let the dogs out.

 Where did most of your money go?

Fixing my fucking car. Legalizing my fucking car.


 What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Moving to Portland! Behavioral neuroscience! My toaster! Smoking inside at a casino! Being decent at pub games! TWIN PEAKS.

 What song will always remind you of last year?

Hallelujah by Jeff Buckley.

 Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder?…thinner or fatter?…richer or poorer?

Happier like crazy.

Fatter…goddam rock and roll lifestyle.

Richer. I eat sun chips every day if I want to. BAM. (see also: fatter).

 What do you wish you’d done more of?

Got out and far away; pushups; painted; visited my grandma.

 What do you wish you’d done less of?

I don’t know…I did a lot of stupid and/or hard things last year (that’s what she said) but I feel like they were all necessary.

I wish I had eaten sun chips for breakfast on fewer mornings.

(but I still feel that they were all necessary).

 What did you do on your birthday?

I went to a bowling alley and bowled mostly not too terribly. Mostly.

I had a Tardis birthday gingerbread, and The Most Important Person came, and I drove home with my roof off and my balloon blowing in the wind. Then I went and had Jager, for lo I am fond of stupored nights and labored mornings.

 What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

A toaster.

Done and done.

 How would you describe your personal fashion concept for last year?

Clawing itself away from hobo…maybe not quite succeeding but suddenly reaching for decent boots and sewing on some damn patches.

Also I got a girl haircut.

 What kept you sane?

Walks; team smoking in the bathroom; shots at Dot’s; the view from the eighth floor; my dad.

 Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

I have to say I am pretty happy with Peyton Manning right now.

Barney Stinson is pretty fucking rad also, but I am not sure we’re going for fictional here. Fuck it, we’re going for fictional.

 What political issue stirred you the most?

Goddamn motherfucking women’s rights. But I have taken some safe breaths since the election and I do not feel like getting into it right now, even though the battle is by no means over.

 If you met yourself for the first time this year would you strike up a friendship?

We would both be rocking so heavily the world might buckle under the strain.

 Did you spend any time listening to yourself?

Quite a lot of it in fact.

What did you say?

I said good job, you’re actually doing fine, you’re doing great. I said you don’t have time for that anyhow. I said you totally do not need that third shot of Jager.

 What did you do over the summer?

I took a break from school, and just worked and hung out with friends and family. I built up from the foundation of presence I had laid for myself in this city and my circles, and I sunk roots further down. I went to Vegas and gambled for the first time, and that was more fun than I had anticipated, most likely due to my dainty fingered success with blackjack. Also I went to Shukes’ wedding in SF, and got to stay the whole time with Jess and Tak (see also: broken wineglass).

 What news story sticks in your mind the most from 2012?

Higgs Boson!

 What things do you appreciate most in your life at the moment?

Bed, sunshine, grapefruit juice. I only have two of those just now but the two I have are doing their best.

 Where were you when 2012 began?

How funny that I actually know this. I was at Deer Mountain.

 Who were you with?

Alain, Erick, Heddi and Inti.

 Where will you be when 2012 ends?

Oh, um.

I was at Ro’s house, coveting her furniture.

 Who will you be with when 2012 ends?

The Sunday night beers crew, mas o menos.

 What are your plans for 2013?

Rock school.

Math well.


Fix sax and learn to play it.

Grow hairs.

Explore and adventure.

Beat Keith at pool.

Visit my grandma.

Make fudge.

Move somewhere new.

Sit like a mountain within my embroidery of moss.

Work out on a regular basis.

Floss on a regular basis.

Let myself love like a willow the wisp and a freight train.


 Did you keep your New Year’s Resolutions of 2012?

Well, I wanted more shoes and I got those. I wanted a bunch of family and friends around a lot and I got that. I did more pushups, and made more graffiti. I fucking damn believed in myself. And many times I did not give a fuck.

 Do you have (a) New Year’s Resolution(s) for 2013?

I just want to keep going. This current trajectory is beautiful and it fits me like a misty second skin as natural as sweet.

I would like to believe that I am capable of caring for my own self and life first without immediately disintegrating into a terrible person. I would like to believe that placing the responsibility for their own happiness on someone else’s shoulders will not immediately disintegrate me into a terrible person. I want to continue taking the minor falls and the major lifts of my life as they come as I am, knowing that they are mine and I am equal to them and I consist of them. I want to live like there’s no quicksand, like the sunshine of my own approval is all that my days will ring with; and I want to believe that doing so will not automatically disintegrate me into a terrible person.

I am getting some fucking rollerblades, and I am fixing that saxophone.


I am


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