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breeze through your mind

August 8, 2013

I just read this story, and it filled my eyes with tears several sentences in and kept them that way. Not only is this a beautiful and honest description of what so many people accept and move with from others, it stuck me as a perfect representation of the way I treat myself.

I am not much of a natural wanter. I don’t have these burning desires for things and titles to drive me on, and for most of my adult life I’ve been conjuring the hurry up mindset for myself out of thin air to compensate. It’s not that I don’t want a bunch of stuff; I’d love to have a house and a motorcycle and a 1981 Corolla and…etc, and it would be awesome to have any sense of overriding career needs that lasted longer than three months, and also a working saxophone, but. None of this shit, and as it has been so it ever most likely shall be, has at any point in time managed to get a fingerhold of any significant sort on my life if it comes and stays at the price of even an insignificant amount of my personal freedom and leisure. And this state of affairs is good for me, and this is what I decide on any time I think about it, the saving of the soul stripes over the gaining of the awesome shit and respectable status, but it doesn’t happen just like that. Most days I am yelling at myself all over the place to hurry up, to do more work, to be more of a friend and family member, to pet my cat, to get on with it and grow the hell up already, because some people have entire homes furnished with things from Ikea and my things are all ancient and crumbly around the edges. Some people put a ton of their life essence into their jobs or academia or pursuit of whatever their personal gold plated rainbow’s end is, and I’m just sitting here incapable of being bothered to adhere to a dress code.

So it’s nice to have something to remind me, to help me simmer down the constant onslaught of self impatience and dissatisfaction, and encourage me to enjoy the lifestyle I have chosen, since I choose it so consistently and with such long wind.

I am

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