Holy shit, people, I have just learned how to convert any type of unit to any other type of unit using a calculator. A calculator.

I feel like I can kind of flash blue lightning from my fingertips and conjure an elaborate coach and four out of a pumpkin and some house mice.


I may turn into one of those people who just carry a TI-89 around with them everywhere. Those people do already exist, right?

shit yeah TI89

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If there is any kind of person in the world that pisses me off, it is the twat fuck that leaps at a sudden twenty miles per hour ambush from a side street across your right of way, intent on t-boning you to death if your reflexes and brakes weren’t both so damn fine. Also a person who takes the elevator to the second floor. This morning I have experienced both. I believe it is time for whiskey.

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I can tell I have been eating very healthy for about a month now, because I am raving hungry all the time. I feel like healthy food is just constructed to run right through you, hitting various muscle groups and nerve clusters and what have you with bits of energy as it goes, and junk food does a better job of sticking around and cluttering up your belly and intestines for a while. This is not to say that my Cheezits habit has not been running blithely unhindered throughout the majority of my days, and I may be completely wrong about which types of food pal around with your insides for longer periods of time, but. This is how I feel.

I have been trying to eat healthy lately because a) it is good for you and b) (and most importantly) it is cheap. I am trying to be as cheap as possible because the closer our wedding gets the more nervous I get about paying for it. The only things I have ever purchased before in my life time that cost as much as this wedding (and to our credit they each cost quite a lot more) are a car and a college education, and both of those come with nice little monthly payments. Also interest, but interest makes sense to me. Gathering ye roses while ye may and stuffing them into a big bank as often as you can to just hang out and wait around for the big day of spending does not make as much sense to me. Probably because I’ve never done it. What I have done is keep up a cheerful policy of money comes in, money goes out. Just like healthy food.

All this to say, my combined desire to save money and eat healthy things has culminated in my rubbing all the Habanero Barbecue powder off the almonds from the bags that someone left in the lunchroom for everyone else to have for free, because nobody on the damn planet likes things that are flavored Habanero Barbecue.

I do have to say that Essence of Mostly Gone Habanero Barbecue does actually taste pretty good on almonds. Also that Habanero Babecue powder will in fact burn the shit out of your hands if you decide that rubbing the almonds between your palms is the most efficient way to remove the powder. It is, but. It is also not worth it.

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this chancy rendezvous

March 12, 2014

So I am literally sitting in my office chair, in my office, the office that I have because I am thirty and I work here, experiencing a full blown three year old meltdown over the fact that I can’t have all the retro star things on etsy.

It started with one small idea and now it has exploded into a neeeed, a yearning, a conviction that all these things were created for me specifically and I for them, and we will all be intangibly sad and vaguely unfulfilled for the rest of our lives if we are not together. We were made of the same stuffs, the atomic star things and I; cut of the same fabric, formed of the same crude matter, shot out of the same cosmic cannon. You get the picture.

This was actually making me feel really silly for about twenty straight pages of keening etsy wantness, and then I found these and it all made sense.

and we are all made of stars

I love these. These are the essence of early childhood, the happiest house with the lilacs and the pear tree and the mother who reads aloud and the father who smells like gasoline. I am gonna get me some. When one feels this deeply that a set of silverware is one’s soulmate, one should probably just make the effort and acquire that silverware.

I have spoke.

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why hai

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all work an no play

March 3, 2014


flour fire





viva like it's

window pals



christmas in february



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