the sunlight that shines shortly after

June 5, 2014

I can feel the life oozing back into me. Blood flows, the dull pump of my heartbeat rushes audibly in my ear canals again, I can feel my lungs inflating with air; whole long breaths like I haven’t had in months. Tears of gratitude burn in the corners of my eyes. I am going to live.

I am almost done with math class, bitchez.

As one of those flutterby sort of creatures who has spent most of her existence and energy on the not unfortunate quantity of things that come naturally and easily to her, I am always amazed by the toll an actual effort of will and work exact on my entire system. Math class has been hard. It has been hard all by itself on its own time by the strength of its own merits. It has been hard to be around and communicate with. It has been hard to enjoy any success in. And it has been hard on me, body and soul. In place of my whimsy, a chronic vague dissatisfaction at my utter inability to factor out the damn x. Instead of my joyousness, a creeping fear that I will never be able to remember to simplify before I multiply. And where my open heartedness and patience and love for the rest of the human race used to be (barring persons who ride the elevator up one floor or the persons who shoot inexplicably into oncoming traffic, yes, I have my limits) there has been an unsought conviction growing that I will never be able to approach the parabola of a quadratic function with anything resembling confidence. What I am saying is, math is not one of those cheerful little gateway drugs like marijuana or smirnoff ice. It is the full on dark and dirty whole shabang, and it will take you over and scratch out your finest personal qualities and destroy your life. Consider yourself scared straight.

However, now that I only have one itty bitty (whoppity whopping) final exam left in the entirety of the class, now that I can actually breathe like a healthy human again, I am pretty stoked that yea though I walked through the valley of the shadow I have not only emerged, but I may in fact emerge victorious. I also may not. There is really no telling whether or not I am going to pass this class, because this class is an abusive relationship both passive aggressively emotionally damaging and also fist to the face bone crunching. But oh my god. I have made it through the wilderness. I have made it throo oo ough. And I do have to say, now I have an entirely new vocabulary with which to craft my metaphors and allegories. Math is a total minefield of excellent words and really complex relations to liken other shit to. This is totally not what I was supposed to take away from my intermediate algebra class, but hey. We all have to work with what we’ve been given.

I am


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