August 24, 2015
This has been an extraordinarily difficult year for me. So far I can never even believe I made it through after all, it was so damn hard and horrible for so long.
There was the math of course, which I blamed all of my cantankerousness on, but actually it is to laugh, math is hard like a diamond but I am sharp like a laser.
No, the hardest damn thing in the world is to go about your life thinking that just possibly you’ve spent all your life up to this point looking for that one true thing that makes you live, and just as you’ve barely got your claws into it the universe is considering ripping it away. Forever.
That sounds dramatic as all hell, but it is literally how I felt for months of this year and last, especially when we didn’t know that everything was going to be fine and it was all going to run according to best case scenario. When there was a chance that the cancer would spread throughout Jason’s entire endocrine system and ruin everything, I felt like there was a hole under me that I was just constantly dropping through into everlasting nothing. For months of days there when it was a real possibility that they were going to have to crack his whole chest open, thereby making his surgery much more dangerous, I just floundered. I alternated between the numb curiosity of shock, imagining his ribs opening up like a Model T hood, and crushing despair, realizing the fact of the bone and tissue and muscle and blood that the scenario would actually entail.
I hard a hard time. I had a hard time with social niceties. I had a hard time being a kind and/or good person ever at all in any way to anyone. I was surly as shit to my coworkers for like two months straight. And I felt like chewing pieces out of dinner plates all day every day.
What I am trying to say here, for myself and anyone else who has to deal with me, is that I have experienced fear and rage this year like never before in my life, not even everything that has gone before it added all up together. I feel like my personality has been altered forever by that terrible incredibly long time when there was just nothing better for me to tell myself than ‘just keep going’ and ‘do the best you can while you can.’ I am nothing but incredulously grateful for how beautifully everything turned out in real life, but I am still working on believing in my enormous good luck. Despite all my rage it turns out that I am still going to get to be happy. It blows my mind, how happy I still get to be.
I needed to write all of this out, because while I was going through it words were just old dead bugs in dusty corners, not going to happen I mean, and not spilling at least the history of all those feelings was making me feel like a corked bottle of old poison. I am still afraid to let go of my fear and anger because what if the intensity of my black and red emotion was all that was keeping the universe from screwing me over, but I know that this is honestly just the same as a dog thinking that the only reason the mailman never breaks in and murders the family with a machete because it barks at him every day. It is time to let go of that frightful scare and get on with the glorious goodness of life.
My god, is it good.
August 10, 2015
July 13, 2015
Perhaps because of an early indoctrination with the concept of karma, be it swift or dilatory, despite my utter lack of even a cavity in all the years of my life, I have a morbid dread of losing teeth.
Every time I hit myself in the tooth with the rim of a glass it is always the same tooth and I cringe in appalled consternation, imagining the eventual crack and crumble when I inevitably hit it one time too many, for the last time. Whenever I eat sugar or drink soda, I have to swish my mouth with water afterward (regardless of whether or not this actually accomplishes anything whatsoever). And most nights I lie awake for several moments in an agony of guilt over the fact that I have not flossed that day and I am not going to floss that day either, because it would suck to get out of bed and do it.
The self awareness required to do a kind of good job with my teeth has the sleeper side effect of also making me painfully aware of the bad job I am doing, and because doing bad will always get you in the end (everyone raised in a moral based world of fact and fiction knows this), I am certain that one day I’ll wake up and it will all catch up with me and all of my teeth will rot and tumble out of my head all at once, and I will eat a tragic amount of applesauce and soup and and muse on the error of my ways for the rest of my life. And never get to have caramel apples.
Fortunately the bright light of progress shines the way to the future once more, and it is hopefully a far better future (mouth-wise, anyhow) than any of our ancestors have enjoyed. New teeth! New teeth for all who are weary and heavy burdened with serious dental issues!
July 10, 2015
Wow, it turns out that I really like Jurassic 5. I had heard of them before, but their name made me assume that they would be like 5 For Fighting or 3rd Eye Blind or something and although I do appreciate that one (and only) 3rd Eye Blind song that I know whenever it comes on the radio randomly, I was just never very bothered about listening to them.
Lately some genius has been adding them consistently to the playlist at work and every time in the last few days I have checked to see what is the awesomeness that is playing currently, it has been Jurassic 5. This is the sort of music I would go dance to. This is the sort of music that deserves my movement. I know that is a weird thing to say, but that is what dancing to music is all about, right? A music hits you, and if it is good music, if it deserves a reply, your body has to respond. I have failed at dancing all my life because most dance music leaves me cold, my body refuses to acknowledge its rhythms, I am bored to leaving at worst and coerced into moving woodenly for as long as I can stand it at best. This is one of the reasons karaoke bars are my favorite – at least at karaoke bars you can depend on some level of diversity…and I am good at thrashing around to metal songs or swaying to Piano Man. At karaoke bars I am not limited to moving back and forth in the same several infinity loops and spirals of upper and lower body that are the only way my limbs and torso can interpret most dance or pop music. At karaoke bars sometimes I even get to conga to Dance Senora.
Anyhow. Someone explain to me what kind of music Jurassic 5 is. Because I love it and I long to clog my life with it.
July 9, 2015
I am among other things a creature of habit. Threats to my routine cause me to exist in survival mode until equilibrium is established, and my world once more squirts twin jets of calm and chaos into my days. Too much of one, and I get bored; too much of the other and I work myself into a state where all I am good for at the end of the day is a five hour Midsomer Murders marathon before exhausted sleep. What I crave most of all things is the rush and color of a lot to do, and the solitude and leisure to make up a new song to sing every morning as I dole out the catnip. Simultaneous-like.
I am also addicted to efficiency. I think this mostly stems from my need for the aforementioned balance of peace and plenty, as I am clever enough to know that the faster I get things done correctly the more time I will have for making up new nips songs and watching Midsomer murders; as Twain says, ‘get a lazy person to do a difficult job, because they will find an easy way of doing it.’
These two tidbits of Tabitha Trivia are brought to you today courtesy of the fact that as a creature of habit and an efficient lazy person, I tend to seek out the best and prettiest and quickest route to work, and, once it has been established, follow it every damn day of my life. Every so often a spirit of mad independence overtakes me and I go wandering off some different way unhindered by time or reason, and sometimes I go the long way in order to check on something special down another alley, but mostly I walk the same path back and forth each morning and evening. Add to all this the fact that because I am too lazy to work far from my home and too besotted with my neighborhood to live anywhere else, my daily walk has varied only slightly in the past three years. This means that I have made the same journey literally hundreds of times, and the result is that I am intimately acquainted with my surroundings every step of the way.
This is the heart of a tree that I have walked past most days for over three years. I first noticed something odd about it in the winter of 2012, and have been looking at it every time I pass it ever since.
For the first little while I was unsure of what I was seeing. Was it strange bark? Was it painted? What was it? I almost applied the crucial test of a fingertip or two, but I am a city girl in sense if not sensibility, and am suspicious of touching foreign plant life…so I refrained.
Eventually I began to suspect that it was a fungus, and when summer rolled around, I was proven correct. Every winter the blob is pure white, velvety soft looking, alluring. Every summer it browns with the heat and sun and eventually gets gross and smelly and slimy (looking – if I will not touch it in winter when it’s pretty there is no way I will touch it in the summer). Then apparently it crinkles up and a new start begins for a new autumn. Each of those crinkly brown bits at the top represent a year of growth.
Apart from fungus, I still have no idea what it is. I don’t know if the tree is bothered by it, or is strengthened by it, or is wholly indifferent to it.
I only know that I am impressed by its own adherence to a routine, and that I will continue to be interested in its movements for the rest of my life. Long after I cease to follow my route past it each day I will come back sometimes to check on it. And if it goes before me I will mourn it in passing, the way you do with a habit that was not of your initial making but has become important through repeated exposure.
July 6, 2015
I am reading a great book right now called How To Fly A Horse, which I chose because it has a great title and I naturally want to know how to do that. The absolute best thing it has told me so far is that ‘if we are all standing on the shoulders of giants to see further than the ancients, then there are no giants.’
I love this. I love this because it is true, and because it proves yet again that Dr. Seuss is a genius as well as a humorist, and despite my thirty one years of this go-round, I now want to read Yertle the Turtle again.
It has been said of Shakespeare, (who may be a total hack), ‘was there any emotion, any experience, that this great man did not know?’
I feel exactly the same about Dr. Seuss.
I think about sneetches, star bellied and otherwise, every time I get into an argument that no one will win and which will never be resolved.